Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Oceanography is all about current events
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay