Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You Might Also Like
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”