McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Fries, not lies.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*