[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
You Might Also Like
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography