Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
men, we mow at sunrise.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.