My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’