Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Everyone’s family
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too