Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
who will stop them
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.