If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.