wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.