CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie