In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.