4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.