I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I don’t know what to do
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.