My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Wikigenius
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him