Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.