If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
mariah carrie
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.