If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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The best shot in the history of golf
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
🙁
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”