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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.