*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?