Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You Might Also Like
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: “Ā£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I havenāt gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says heās 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Professor X: Whatās your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: ādonāt go to work daddy, stay with me.ā
And so, I am never going to work again.
Ethan isnāt playing around this semester
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If Home Depot doesnāt want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldnāt be playing Gloria Estefan.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and thatās unfortunate for them
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I donāt ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher šš š
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, āIām pissed off with traffic jams so Iām gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.ā
ā¦And those that say āIām elegant, civilized, and artistic.ā
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Moving sucks because youāre expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I havenāt worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. Youāre robbing this of me for ācloset spaceā.