Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top