COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
channeling her this year
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
his wife is probably gonna see that
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely