Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.