music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
as is their right
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.