My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
You Might Also Like
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.