I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I beg your pardon?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.