The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Growing up was a huge mistake
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
podcasts
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!