villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
starting a garage orchestra
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I don’t make the rules sorry
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Tuesday
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
i dont have time for this
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.