“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You Might Also Like
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*