All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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incredible text to wake up to
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?