Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I put the mess in domestic.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
my dog when i have a friend over
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.