I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live