[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
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Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.