The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**