[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
October already? What’s next? November????
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..