Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
me opening up to someone
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy