[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
estão todos miauvindo?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks