Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone