If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
o shit
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.