Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
You Might Also Like
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
when u come home smelling like another dog
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Everyone’s family
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals