When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?