If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Need this in my life lol
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
pelicons
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta