If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My favorite farside!!
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?