Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
You Might Also Like
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.