Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
You Might Also Like
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.