*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.