Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to