I have a black belt in leather
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost