“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
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Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
my sentiments exactly
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
OKAY DAD
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂